I Figured it Out

I finally figured something out. I woke up today and my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. I lay in bed a little dumbfounded. I am the only one without a son.
Let me give you a little back story. My mother has always been of the belief that you must have at least one boy so you can pass on the last name. I don’t know if this is what she was taught growing up but I know her generation does believe that. I have a younger sister, a younger brother, and an older half-brother (who has my father’s last name) and they all have boys. I am the only one who does not have a son. I have two girls, and even though they have a different name, she believes I should have a boy and pass on the last name of my husband. She says, “Once the girls get married, your husband’s family line dies out.”, and since my girls are the only grandkids on my husband’s side she is right in a way. That doesn’t bother me or my husband nor does it bother his side of the family.
The reason I am was so surprised when I woke up this morning is because it all makes perfect sense now. This is just another reason for my family to treat me like a second class citizen. All my siblings have one male child and I don’t. Another reason why my sister holds it over my head that not only did she have the first grandchild but she also had the first male grandchild, and even though she won’t be carrying on her maiden name but to have a male grandchild to show off is enough for my mother. To my mother, it is just another reason to be disappointed with me. I already don’t follow her rules and am a huge disappointment that way, but I don’t have a son. I am just stunned that I didn’t think about it earlier. She kept pushing me to have more kids and now I know why. She didn’t even care if getting pregnant again would mess with my health or even kill me…she just wanted me to try again.
My girls have always been compared to their cousins. They have never been recognized for their achievements but constantly compared to my sisters children. My children have always felt that my parents don’t love them as much as they love the others, and it kills me that at such young ages they know they don’t mean as much to my parents as their cousins. They don’t know why, they just know that they are.
My girls don’t ask to see my parents very often but when they do I always make arrangements for them to visit and spend the night or week with them. They always come back feeling disappointed or “getting their fill” of my parents for a while. They have spent three weeks with them over this summer and my sisters three kids were there also. My girls saw that they weren’t treated the same as their cousins. They said when one of the cousins did something to them that wouldn’t believe them. What happened was my oldest daughter was sitting on their porch listening to music with her ear buds in and my nephew (the first male grandchild) went by and yanked them out of her ears. My daughter told him to stop and not do that again. Well, he came by and did it again only this time my daughter was ready and caught his arm. Well when she went to grab his arm her nail scratched him. She didn’t mean for that to happen and immediately apologized but he ran in and told my mom. My daughter calls me and tells me what happened. I told her to go in and talk to my mom. She said “Why? she won’t believe me over him anyways.” Those were her exact words. I don’t ever lie to my children, because I was lied to so much growing up, that I made a point of never lying to them. So, I said you are probably right. So she just waited till she was called into the house and asked what happened. My mother didn’t believe her and made her apologize for scratching him.
So, yeah the whole male child thing explains so much to me. More than anyone else would even understand. It proves what a disappointment I am to my parents and yet another reason for them to treat me like I don’t matter.